Illustration for article titled This Is Probably Going to Get Ugly Fast: First Trump-Biden Debate Topics Include Race, Coronavirus and the Supreme Court

Photo: JIM WATSON (Getty Images)

There are certain things that we already know are going to be painful to watch. Childbirth is one. Mike Tyson versus Roy Jones is another. And the first debate between a lying white man who can’t watch his mouth and another white man who always wants to fight.


Something tells me this is going to go off the rails, real fast and while the reality TV part of me is screaming “Fight! Fight! Fight!”, the part of me that can’t believe that this is what the country has become is ashamed.

Nevertheless, the first presidential debate between “White supremacy’s pick me” and “You do know I’m friends with Barack Obama?!” is set for September 29 at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio, and will be broken into six 15-minutes segments.


Those segments will focus on topics including: “The coronavirus pandemic, the Supreme Court and the racial reckoning in the country, the debate commission announced on Tuesday,” CNN reports.

All of these areas should be easy work for Biden, who had nothing to do with fucking up the response to the coronavirus pandemic or fucking up the Supreme Court. Racial reckoning is where Biden is really going to have to lean into his “You know me and Obama share a Netflix account, don’t you?!”

While the topics could presumably change given new developments, assuming that America continues to stay at its current level of fucked up, the other topics include: “The Trump and Biden Records,” “The Economy,” “Race and Violence in our Cities” and “The Integrity of the Election.”

Fox News’ Chris Wallace will moderate the first debate, and I expect the debate to last at least 15 minutes before Biden threatens to punch Trump.